November 8, 2014

Short Fiction: BYOW (Bring Your Own Whip)

Dearest Ursula:

I am writing in response to your recent post, in which you enquired as to the feasibility of an extended stay in our quaint family-run inn, aptly named Socius Celestial. As it happens, and with a wave of unprecedented serendipity filling my soul and scrotum as I tell you this, I am overjoyed to inform you that there is one guest room vacant during the upcoming summer season.

I hasten to add that I have reserved this last available accommodation in your name, with the eager anticipation that you have every intention of promptly following up your enquiry with a firm reservation. You know how quickly these rooms are snatched up, my dear, and I did not want to miss your congenial presence during the best months of the year at our remote countryside outpost.

You have been here before, and so I do not need to regale you with the benefits of our cozy communal arrangements; however, I felt it was necessary to refresh your memory with some of the basic tenets of the establishment that my previous wives and I set up a decade ago to commemorate the original founder, Henry Havelock Ellis, who (as you know) suffered from impotence until the age of 60, at which point in time he and his charmingly feminist partner, Edith Lees, discovered and implemented certain sexual phenomena that would later prove to benefit all mankind. I shudder to think what might have happened had we ignored the multifarious talents of this most studied and earnest sexologist, who gave us, among other delights, the earliest versions of autoerotism and the pleasures of narcissism in the coital comforts of the bedchamber. Not to mention urolagnia! No, we shall never forget that he was a rare and valued pioneer of this most erotic anomaly.

But I digress – and I do apologize, my dearest Ursula, for rambling on a bit about the place. It has gotten some negative publicity lately from the local press, and I find myself a bit upset that the common folk are poking their stiff noses into our loose drawers. We knew this would happen, and we have managed to push off the most noxious of these evil scandal seekers, but it never fails to elevate my sensitive blood pressure and cause tiny ruptures in my cheeks. Indeed, the veins of my upper jowls tell the story of my life, as if being true to my soul has wounded my visual vanity, which is the farthest possible interpretation of the truth that I care to extrapolate. Regardless of the scars on the outside, though, I assure you that I am unscathed and unfettered on the to explore your glorious caverns, Ursula, without guilt or guile.

To further encourage your imminent arrival, I should note that there are, at present, three solo gentlemen occupying our gracious inn, as well as two unattached women of comfortable means. As is our custom, we have documented each and every sexual encounter among our guests, and you are free to peruse the activity logs in order to better determine your level of comfort with the daily workshops. One of the younger men, who goes by the name of "Just Alex", has promised to set up a web site, so that we can put our statistics into some thingamajig that will give us these quirky little percentages. He gave us a brief presentation, and out popped items of interest, such as "68% of coital activity leads to climax for only one participant", and "duration of penetration was not a factor in repetitive behaviours." We're not quite sure what to make of these facts and figures, but for now they're fun to think about and discuss. In fact, just discussing them seems to have been successful in titillating some of the senior members, a bit of trivia that I thought you would find amusing.

Please do contact us soon to confirm your reservation. The workshops you may wish to participate in are listed and clarified in the attached brochure which, as you will notice, has my handsome face on the cover. Didn't the photographer capture my essence perfectly? I have received such personal attention from our female visitors as a happy result of this picture, and I would be pleased to know your reaction, as well. The whip placed in my hand is just a prop, of course, but it did create the right balance of joviality and generosity, what with my ruddy cheeks smiling from behind the mask. Don't tell me you didn't recognize me! I would be insulted if you did not; the largesse of my genital anatomy precedes my reputation, as I have been assured many, many times.

To conclude then, Ursula, we look forward to hearing the date of your arrival, and once we do, your room will be prepared with all the accoutrements that you enjoyed during your last visit. Should you wish to add to your stockpile of aids (one of our recent visitors introduced us to the Arab strap, most impressive!) please simply let us know and we will do our darn best to accommodate your any desire. That is, after all, our mission.

Now that we understand the relationship between orgasmic energy and the future of the universe, our mission is only too clear. You must come! We all must come.

Kevin Magnus (aka "The Big One")

1 comment:

  1. I remember reading this when you first wrote it. Great to see it published online!


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